Some funny jokes

Some funny jokes I found online:

Subject: Can one be too honest?

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. She turns to her husband and says, "You know, I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my stomach hangs, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby. Could you tell me something positive to make me feel good about myself."
He thinks about it for a bit and says, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."


Medical Advice

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

4. The Italians drink large amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Americans, Australians, British, or Canadians.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Best Break-Up line

An Army Ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend, in which she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up with him, and she wanted back the photo of herself she had given him. So the Ranger did what any squared-away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected photos of as many beautiful women as he could find. He then mailed them to his girlfriend with the following note: "I'm sorry, I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back."


Horse Race

A man was sitting quietly watching television when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a newspaper.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it," she replied.

The man began perspiring, then quickly explained, "OH that! Uh... well, two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation."

Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet.

When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"

She replied "Your horse called."


Potato garden!

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

"Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me if you weren't in prison. Love, Dad"

Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE, Dad, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next.

His son's reply was, "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could do for you at this time."


Genius Dog

A butcher is busy at work when he notices a dog in his shop. He walks over and notices that the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note which reads, "May I please have a pound of sausages?" The butcher looks at the dog and notices a ten dollar bill tucked under its collar. He takes the money, puts the sausages in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. The dog walks down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The butcher's eyes go round as the dog comes to a bus stop, examines a timetable, checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus. Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, stands on his hind legs and pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, with the butcher still following. They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. A big burly man opens the door and starts yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"

"He's not so clever," the man says. "This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"


Colleges and insane asylums both are mental institutions in a way. But you have to show some improvement to graduate from an asylum.


Kitten Joke

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."

"How did you know that?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."


Animal Crackers

When the mother returned from the grocery store, her small son pulled out the box of animal crackers he had begged for, then he spread the animal-shaped crackers all over the kitchen counter.

"What are you doing?" his Mom asked.

"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."


Expensive Veterinary Bill

A man went to let his old dog out one morning, but the dog didn't move. He prodded and shook the dog, but to no avail. The man took him to a veterinarian.

After examining the dog the vet said, "Sir, I'm afraid your dog has passed away."

The man replied, "I can't believe it. I want a second opinion."

The vet left the room and came back with a cat and placed it on the examining table with the dog. The cat proceeded to sniff the dog and walked around it several times looking at it intently. After a few minutes he jumped off the table, sat in the corner and placed his paws over his eyes.

The vet said, "See, it's just as I said, your dog is gone."

The man still did not believe it and wanted another opinion. The vet then went out and returned with a Labrador Retriever. The retriever put his paws up on the table, looked at the other dog, sniffed him, and then went over with the cat and sat with his paws over his eyes.

The vet placed a hand on the man's shoulder, "There can be no doubt, your dog is dead."

The man finally shook his head sadly. "I will really miss him; we've been together for a long time. Well, what do I owe you?"

The vet replied, "Two hundred and eighty-five dollars."

The man was dumbfounded. "TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTY-FIVE DOLLARS! WHY SO MUCH?"

The vet answered, "Fifty for the office call, one hundred and twenty-five for the Cat scan, and one hundred and ten for the Lab work."


The Politics of Cows

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.


Train Ride

Bill Clinton, George Bush, a spectacular looking blond and a frightfully awful looking fat lady were on a train together. Several minutes of the trip, the train passed through a dark tunnel and everyone heard the sound of a loud slap. When they exited the tunnel, Clinton had a big red mark on his cheek.

The blond thought, "That Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."

The fat lady thought, "That dirty old Bill Clinton laid his hands on the blond and she smacked him."

Bill Clinton thought, "George put his hand on that blond and by mistake she slapped me."

George Bush thought, "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."


Parking Spot

An Irishman late for an important meeting is frantically driving through town looking for a parking spot. Finally in desperation he leans out of the window and looks to the heavens.

"Lord," he yells. "If you'll just make a parking spot appear I promise to go to mass every week for the rest of my life and give up Irish whiskey."

Suddenly he spots a parking spot just ahead of him. He leans back out of the window.
"Never mind, I found one myself."


Jokes found at: http://www.waynesthisandthat.com/funnys.htm

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