JTF Depression Support Forum Posts

These are some posts I made to the Journey Towards Freedom Depression Support Forum:

Posted on March 7 & 10, 2006.
Living with Depression:

I will share a little of my history.

I have suffered from depression, probably Dysthymic Disorder, for most of my life. I was born in NYC to a dysfunctional low-middle class family. My mother was careless, neglectful and clueless. She also allowed herself to be used and abused by men. I was painfully shy and introverted so it was difficult for me to make friends. My brother, who was 2 1/2 years older than me, hated me and abused me verbally, emotionally and physically. When I was 3 years old I was sexually molested the first time, by a young man from the neighborhood. At the age of 4 my brother tried to stab me with a kitchen knife because I refused to play with him for fear of being beaten by him. A couple of years later I was molested by my godfather and two male cousins. At the age of 7 I was molested by "uncle-in-law" who I had grown to love and trust as a real uncle. Because of him and because of my mother I tried to kill myself when I was 10. Also at that age I made a stand against my brother and stop his physical abuse. And I was almost raped by 3 neighbor kids. I was molested by male neighbors and old men from the neighborhood, strangers, friends of the family, cousins, and uncles.

From a very tender age I had to deal with my mother's infidelities. In over 3 occasions I had to save her life when her abusive drunk lover threatened to kill her. His abuse went on for about 3 years. On one of those occasion I physically got in from of the giant fat bastard, grabbed his gun with my hands while pointing it to my chest and dared him to shot me. I hated him so much I wanted to kill him.

Between the age of 12 and 13 I got into my first Major Depressive Episode. At 13 my mother's brother almost raped me. At 14 I started dating older boys. Before turning 15 I was date raped. At 15 I got pregnant by a boy who had dumped me and I immediately had an abortion. I had been Anorexic for about a year. For the next 2+ years I dated another loser who used me, betrayed me and broke my heart. In order to leave home, at 18 I got married to a pathological liar who turned out to also be a drug addict and later also an alcoholic. Less than a year of living with him I became very depressed and during this episode of major depression I began to binge eat and became obese. About 2 years later we separated. By 23 I was married again to another pathological liar, but at least this one did not use drugs, did not smoke, did not drink, and was responsible when it came to paying the rent and the bills. But he never trusted me enough to be truthful with me, so I could never trust him enough to love him. Also, he was into pornography which I found demeaning and disgusting. I was unhappy and got very depressed and gained a lot of weight. While trying to lose weight I became Bulimic and a Binge Eater.

I used medication to treat my depression for the first time when I was around 28. I had long ago stop being sexually intimate with my husband so we ended up getting divorce after more than 7 years together, before turning 30. I found myself living alone for the first time in my life. I had lost my marriage, had recently lost my job, had to get surgery to remove my gallbladder, after being sick for 10 years, so I fell into another deep depression.

Learning about God by studying the Bible with Jehovah's Witnesses help me come out my major depression and I was able to control it, at least for a while. But about 2 years ago my life took another turn for the worst. My family were having a lot of problems. One of my cousins needs a kidney transplant. Many have financial problems. Then I lost my job, which I wasn't expecting, while I was still deep in credit card debt. A few months later I saw my brother died unexpectedly, and had to call the family and take care of his funeral arrangements, and had to care for my mother for over a month while neglecting myself and my 2 cats. My brother's death affected me a lot more than I ever imagine it would, but I was unable to mourn. Not long after I got in another major depression, but this time I found myself in extreme emotional pain.

The next year I lost one of my beloved cats to renal cancer. I had been unable to do anything, including caring for myself and my home. I haven't clean my apartment in more than a year and sometimes, when deeply depressed, can spend a week without taking a shower. I am unable to work or function normally. I spend most of my time home alone watching television while sitting on my fat butt. At night I don't sleep well or enough and in the day I sometimes sleep too much. Last year I felt I wanted to die so I started therapy and taking medication for double depression (Dystymic Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder).

For sometime I had been wanting to hurt myself, so a few weeks ago I started to self-injure by cutting my lower arms with a kitchen scissor. I felt some relief the first time I did it, so a couple of weeks ago, about a month after the first time, I did it again, I cut my upper arms with an exacto knife. But the cuts were a little bigger and deeper than the first time, so they looked a lot worst. The next day during a physical exam the doctor saw the cuts and sent me to the Emergency Room. I spent the night awake and in the company of a police officer. Thankfully, I was allowed to go home the next day. This happened less than 2 weeks ago.

For the past few months I had been feeling abandoned, neglected, forgotten, unimportant, and the first time I cut myself I was feeling a lot of self hate. I don't intend to keep cutting myself, I really don't want to be hospitalized since I don't want to leave my cat alone for days. But I still feel the need for more intense treatment. Seeing my therapist once a week for 40 minutes is not enough. So I am trying to get into a day treatment. I am trying to remain calm while waiting for a letter of eviction from my landlord. I'm still waiting to find out if I am approved for temporary disability benefits. Don't know how I'm going to pay the bills next month. Trying not to lose it by remaining calm or "numb". Hope to be able to deal with my double depression and improve my life in the near future.

And

Just wanted to thank everyone for their support. Thank you. In reply to Stranger, if I lose my apartment I can live in my parents' attic, but I much rather not to. I'm hoping I won't lose my apartment. About the "uncle in law" who molested me when I was 7 and all the other guys who molested me, none were ever accused or prosecuted because I stayed silent and didn't tell my parents about it until I was already in my 20's. When you are a shy neglected child who's abused you find it hard to tell anyone what you are going through and you feel kinda guilty or responsible for letting it happen. I still feel I'm partly to blame for what happened to me and that is the main reason why it's hard for me to forgive myself and learn to love myself. I've felt like I don't deserve God's forgiveness or love, but I know that's because of the depression. I need to rely on God more instead of on relying on myself. I've been feeling a little better this week even though I am pretty worry about the possibility of losing my apartment. I told some of my friends what I've been going through, so now I can have more of their support.
Thank you all for caring. May Jehovah God help and strengthen all of you.

Psalms 55:22


Posted on March 9, 2006.
I reached out to some of my friends and they have been very comforting and supportive. Here are some of the emails I got from some of my wonderful friends:

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wed, 8 Mar 2006 10:37:52

Hi Sonia - I know what you are going through - because I have suffered from depression myself. Depression is very hard to deal with. It is almost easier to have a pain somewhere, but be of good spirit. It paralyzes you, no interest to do anything. But you are doing the right thing. Writing a journal is a good start. Try your best to make the meetings, because the encouragement from the friends helps. But I know that during depression one is tempted to withdraw from anybody and just stay alone. But that is not good.
Warm regards,
K.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wed, 8 Mar 2006 10:57:07

Sonia I was concerned about you and well I know you suffer from depression and I truly hope you are doing well. I know depression in that magnitude can really be hard. I know because my mom suffers from that all her life and has been on meds all her life but she's doing great. I think most importantly she's been doing well its because although she is not in the truth, she too prays to JAH and maintains a close relationship. I know for a fact that the power of prayer can be awesome and JAH does lovingly listen to our cries. I know he listens to you too. She also puts forth effort into thinking positive and keeps herself busy doing positive things that will make her feel better too. Since we are in the truth the things we need to do is keep busy doing JAH's will and that is go out on service and be around our brothers and sisters for positive spiritual encouragement -- this can be contagious and uplifting for us internally. I know it helps me and makes me realize how fortunate I am to know JAH and have wonderful spiritual family too. We care and worry about you and want the best for you... SO PLEASE JOIN US NEXT WEEK AND PUT IT DOWN IN YOUR CALENDAR TOO - WE HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT YOU CAN DO IT.
Y.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wed, 8 Mar 2006 14:26:36

Sonia - First and foremost I want to apologize to you for what "they" put you through. I know it has been rough and I just can't believe so much trauma has been in your life. One thing I want you to realize is that you are not the one with the problem, they are the ones with the problems and what they did to you WAS ABSOLUTELY WRONG. You are beautiful inside and out and you WERE NOT IN ANY WAY AT FAULT FOR WHAT THEY DID TO YOU. Remember JAH knows your heart conditions and a lot of your decisions that you might have made were done because of what THEY DID TO YOU AND YOU DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER. My judgment would be clouded as well if I had so many traumatic things happen to me simultaneously TOO. I know this is so difficult for your to express yourself that way and I'm glad that you opened up to us and to the forum that will help you. I think what you also have to remember is this part of your healing process internally to stop making you feel guilty of things that happened and that you were at fault is to begin to learn to forgive those who hurt you. My basis for this statement is because God loved the world so much that he gave up his son so that we can have everlasting life and to have the chance to be forgiven of our sins. It's wonderful that JAH can forgive us for our sins when HE DOESN'T HAVE TO but JAH who is so GRAND AND LOVING does it to us THEN WE IN TURN HAVE TO LEARN TO FORGIVE THEM. Tell yourself that these people who did this must have been ignorant and really truly didn't know what THEY WERE DOING and MAYBE THEY TOO LEARNED THIS BEHAVIOR FOR HAVING BEEN MOLESTED TOO. Once you start to forgive them inside and they don't have to know that you forgave them, for all we know they think you don't even remember because you were so YOUNG and perhaps they thought you were NAIVE. Once you start to convince yourself that you have forgiven them and that its ok, you have to forgive yourself to for EVEN REMOTELY THINKING IT WAS YOUR FAULT, IT WASN'T IT WAS THEIRS. You need to develop a stronger relationship with JAH make him real in your life..you need to feel him in your heart and feel him walking side by side with you each step of the way. It may not be easy but YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TO PUT EFFORT TOO so that JAH CAN REACH OUT TO YOU AS WELL. HE IS DEF. A LISTENER OF PRAYERS AND CAN SEE YOUR HEART CONDITION. JAH LOVES YOU AND ADORES YOU and he WOULD NEVER EVER WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR LIFE AWAY. Remember to JAH life is VERY PRECIOUS and if he doesn't want us to smoke or take drugs or do things that will take away from living a healthy life, what makes you think that he would approve of you wanting to take your life away. He wants you to do the same thing and appreciate LIFE.. REMEMBER LIFE IS SACRED TO JAH AND WELL HE WANTS YOU TO STAY HERE AND ENJOY LIFE and once you start to get closer to JAH, he will definitely see a way OUT OF ALL OF THIS and YOU TOO WILL FIND PEACE AND YOU WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS E-MAIL AND ONE DAY YOU WILL NOT HAVE THIS PROBLEM YOU HAVE. HE WILL MAKE SURE THINGS WILL BE OK AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY ON THIS EARTH TOO...Again I'm sorry for what they did to you cause you didn't deserve it NO ONE DOES but you can be guaranteed it WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN. Take care of your temple that GOD gave you and IT WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU...you will be ok...just keep meditating on JAH'S WORD..MAKE HIM REAL...REACH OUT TO FRIENDS EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU ARE NAGGING..YOU AREN'T...JUST CALL EVERYONE AND DON'T EVER FEEL THAT IF SOMEONE DOESN'T CALL YOU BACK RIGHT AWAY THAT THEY DON'T LOVE YOU...JUST REACH OUT FOR SOMEONE ELSE UNTIL THAT PERSON CALLS YOU BACK...WE CARE FOR YOU AND JAH WANTS US TO HELP YOU TOO.
Y.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Wed, 08 Mar 2006 16:32:14

Sonia, I read your post. I just want to say that you are so brave by sharing this. I never knew you went through so much...I'm so sorry all that happened. You must be so angry and hurt that your own family members treated you that way and allowed things to happen. Then after the anger dissipates, you are left with feelings of worthlessness. Sonia, you are truly a wonderful person. Try to focus on the positive. Although we just can't forget the past, and although thinking about it causes us pain, we have to find a way to move on. And it may take years to do that. A lot of our pain comes from our "self talk" or messages we tell ourselves. With depression and anxiety we need to learn how to change our thinking pattern - it's not easy to do, I know. I wish that one day I could be cured from anxiety, but in reality it may never leave me. The fears that would consume me, I tried switching my thoughts. While on the plane, I get fearful of crashing. Then I say to myself "So what" Worrying about it won't save me, so I might as well relax while I'm on the plane. I too, wish to be cured of the fear of flying...but oh well. Anyway, here are some good qualities that you have, that you should focus on:

You are generous & kind
You are thoughtful
You are trying your best with the truth - Jah will sustain you
You are great company
You are a great photographer - with an artistic eye. You capture the moments between the friends, and they all love you.
You take good care of your pets

All that stuff in the past, it is all behind you. It may hurt, but they can't do anything to you now. You are living on your own and can truly be away from things that are upsetting - although you have family problems - you have your own space. I know you have a serious depression, but you can get through this. We're all here for you. Don't give up.
M.

-----Original Message-----
From: Sonia
Sent: Thu, 09 Mar 2006

Thank you so much for all your kind words. You are such a beautiful kind and loving sisters. Thank you for your support and encouragement. May Jehovah bless you.

I don't think much about the things that happened to me, after all the traumas I learned to numb myself, but in order to understand my problem with depression I had to analyze my history. Since I was a little girl that believed in God and Jesus, I had difficulty hating even my abusers, so I have been able to forgive them long ago. I just have difficulty forgiving myself and still have to learn to love myself. That is why it has been difficult for me to form a close relationship with Jah, because I feel I don't deserve it or I'm not worthy of it. I know the reason I think and feel that way is because of the depression and because of the wicked one. I have been relying on myself and not on Jah. It is my goal to change, to get better, and to seek a relationship with Jah. I will try my best to go to the meeting and keep in contact with my spiritual family. I didn't intend to nor want to ever kill myself. That is not why I hurt myself. I did it because of the guilt and hate I was feeling, and because I was in so much emotional pain I felt like hurting myself, but I didn't want to die or kill myself. I have been so depressed that I wanted to die before, but not when I cut myself and not now. And I know how Jah feels and know that my life does not belong to me, but to him. So don't worry about that. I will take your advice and will seek out Jah and the friends and will stop isolating myself. Thank you.

Love,

Sonia


Some of my symptoms of Double Depression (Dysthymic Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder):

Long term clinical depression or cyclothymia (cycles of low level depression and hypomania), emotional detachment or numbing of feelings (emotional self-mortification, dysregulation or dissociation), impaired coping skills, avoidance (avoid contact with everything and everyone, even my own thoughts), stress-triggered anxiety, isolation (feel isolated and lacking in social support, abandoned), irritability, insomnia or problem sleeping, difficulty concentrating for long periods of time, memory problems, borderline-like behavior, pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. (Impulsive behavior-excessive spending, history of binge eating and other eating disorders).

Reason some people self-injure: It is a behavioral response to an emotional state without suicide intent, to end a dissociated or unreal-feeling state, to ground themselves and come back to reality, relief from emotional distress, overwhelming emotional pain or numbness, replacing a strong uncomfortable emotion or panicky jittery trapped feeling for a calm bad feeling in an attempt to maintain psychological integrity, a way to keep from killing themselves. They release unbearable feelings and pressures through self-harm which eases their urge towards suicide.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thu, 9 Mar 2006 09:33:57

Sonia - thanks for providing me that information about the symptoms. That helps a lot for us brothers/sisters to help understand why you feel the way you feel, but I know you will overcome this obstacle because in my heart I see a beautiful loving and warm person who cares about life and people and esp. cats. I know you have it in your heart to want to overcome these obstacles because you truly do love life and wish things were differently and things will definitely be different for you. Keep up the great work about opening up to us and well also try to keep yourself busy and keep in contact always with your brothers and sisters you know so that we can help out and its good that your reached out also to the elders. I admire that about you so much that you are reaching out and truly trying to work things out. I hope that things work out with apartment and that you get approved for disability because you do have a disability you just have to prove it to them because they are so hard about giving money out for disability unless you are truly impaired and I know you are and you need professional help, and I hope you get a good social worker or person in that office to help you with paper work. I know you just have to keep going to see a psychologist and psychotherapist for the rest of your life so that you can continue to get that help, but I hope you get everything you hope for. We are thinking about you and you are in our prayers SONIA.
Y.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thu, 09 Mar 2006 11:40:00 -0500

Dear Y.,
I think you are in the wrong profession, you should have been a mental health therapist. You have the rare ability to comfort people with your words. Jah has blessed you with a loving heart and discerning mind. You are such a beautiful soul. Thank you for your heartfelt compassion which has increased my love for you.

Sending you a big hug.

Sonia

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thu, 9 Mar 2006 08:29:49

Good morning Sonia,
I hope you are feeling ok today. You may find it hard to believe, but I am very familiar with many symptoms you are describing in the first paragraph. I have suffered from anxiety / depression all of my life. Thankfully, I am better now than I have been. But I am also on a low dose of Paxil to take off the edge. One thing that has helped me is that I was always able to have family support and a great job to keep me going. Try not to isolate yourself, go to the meeting even if you don't feel like it. You will feel better once you get there. We have to find certain coping mechanisms that make it easier - only Jehovah can heal us in the new system.
Keep in touch - Greetings,
K.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thu, 09 Mar 2006 11:08:45

Good morning K.,
Thank you for telling me about your experience with depression. Only those who have experience living with depression understand what it is like and how difficult it can be to try to be and feel "normal". I will try to stop isolating myself and to make it to the meetings. I'll keep in contact with my dear sisters as well as the elders. I'm already feeling a lot better since receiving encouraging and comforting emails from some of the friends I have confided in, including yours, I'm so glad I did. I no longer feel abandoned by the congregation. I had a shepherding call about 2 weeks ago and I told the elders about what I have been going through, so now they will keep in contact with me and offer their help. I hope to be in control of my depression soon, and be able to have a good relationship with Jah, and hope to be able to help others that are going through similar experiences. Again, thank you very much for caring and for your support.
Love,

Sonia

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thu, 9 Mar 2006 11:48:17

Sonia - Thanks for your wonderful thoughtful words...I'm just happy to be able to help you and it truly comes from my heart. I want you to be better and realize that all of this is just a dream..a distant one and things will one day be like a wonderful sunny day where things that happened before will one day seem like nothing and your life will be full of wonderful rainbows full of color and life.
Y.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thu, 9 Mar 2006 11:20:47

Hi again my dear sister,
your email brought tears to my eyes Sonia - you know why - because I was in a very similar situation. I opened up to an elder and also had a shepherding call last weekend - it made me feel so much more connected and encouraged. I know it is easier said than done when feeling depressed because the most natural inclination is to withdraw from the world and to isolate oneself. Then we feel abandoned even more. The elders I spoke to were so surprised to hear my story - because unless we open up and tell others, they don't know what we are going through, and then they can't help us. Jehovah is a loving shepherd, and the friends are kind and caring. We have to reach out to one another and hold each other up. Just some kind words make a big difference - believe me - I know.

We'll get together soon - may be we can work together in field service now that the weather is getting better. See you soon - hopefully this Saturday at the meeting.
K.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thu, 9 Mar 2006 3:01:36 AM EST

Sonia I didn’t know all of this, I’m sorry. Have you spoken to the elders? They can help you, you also have to pray. Please don’t feel that you’re not worthy of Jehovah’s love, look at Saul he was a murderer!! And you have gone thru a lot, but please you shouldn’t punish yourself more. Satan is trying to get you. I know you know all of this but you have to believe it, and keep it in you’re head all the time! Don’t let Satan win, don’t cut yourself! MAKE yourself go to all the meetings! Make yourself do things that you may not want to do but that r good for you. Don’t sit at home and be sad, it just makes it worse and Satan is watching you, pleased with where he’s got you. I think you may need another form of medication because whatever you’re taking isn’t working. There is also a hospital that I know is very good in Long Island called South Oaks. You may need to be hospitalized for a little bit, but don’t you think it would be for you’re own best interests? This hospital is excellent, and its like a hotel, not like Elmhurst or anything like that. you will feel better but you have to do something about it! Or at least tell the elders that you want help and they will help you but you have to accept it. If you were to hurt yourself you would never go to paradise! Hang on! It’s coming soon! Just yesterday someone was saying that they think they know who the king of the north is… and you know what? It’s very very near. -…- I feel it! Sonia you have my support and if you want to hang out with me during the day call me!! We can do something! We can write poetry together also! There’s lots of things that help. you will be ok but you have to believe it and turn to Jehovah! He is waiting for you to turn to him! Throw you’re burden upon Jehovah!! I am not saying all of these things from my own mind, not everything, a lot of it is just coming to me as I write, I think Jehovah talks to you thru you’re friends. Ok Sonia please call me! and we can do stuff! Do you like art? Let’s do some art work, or service or something!!! Sonia you are very loved, ok?! Please believe that! We love you!!! ok?! And most importantly Jehovah does too. just last night I was praying to him and I felt this calmness come over me... and i gave way to tears because I felt intense love for Jehovah, and I felt like he was listening to me which he was. -…- I didn’t feel worthy of it, and I was praying to Jehovah to help me and halfway thru my prayer I just got this feeling -…- I haven’t felt that for a very long time if ever… so please do the same just pray to him RIGHT now pour you’re heart out to him RIGHT NOW! Ok?! I love you Sonia. Bye…
V.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thu, 09 Mar 2006 12:40:04

My dear sister,

Thank you for your wonderful words of support and encouragement. Since I opened up to the some of the friends and elders I have been receiving great support and encouragement. I am so glad I confided in them and you. Now I no longer feel abandoned and I'm starting to feel less depressed. My medication was increased a few weeks ago and I can now feel the difference, but more than that the caring compassion I have gotten from my dear friends has help me to feel better. I thank Jah for my beautiful spiritual family. Like you, others have encouraged me to seek Jah thru heartfelt prayer, and stop isolating myself by going to the meetings, going out in service and keeping in contact with all the caring friends. I'm so glad I can count you as one of my friends. I would love to spend time with you and keep in touch. I hope I am able to be there for you too if you ever need me. I'm happy for you, that you have a close relationship with Jah. I love you very much. Take care. See you soon.

Sonia

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thu, 16 Mar 2006 16:11:41

Dear Sonia,

Sorry I haven't written. […] I wanted to tell you that if I saw you I would give you a great big hug then cry with you if you needed it but I know from being around you that you are actually a very strong person, at least that’s how I see you. Yes, you had it really hard growing up and yes there are things that you need to definitely work on because of it BUT you still are a Tough Cookie. I see it! Unless you're only like that with me ...

Sonia, Jehovah loves you, he knows what’s in your heart more than you do that’s why he's holding on to you don't forget that or take it for granted. Hold on to him, reach out for him too! He needs you to grab hold of him ... that’s the only way you can climb out of this hole that you’re in, it takes two - YOU AND JEHOVAH! You know you need to be at the meetings, or out in service or helping out another fellow believer if they needed it. BUT knowing and actually doing are to different things. I hope this doesn't sound as though I'm being insensitive ... I just know from my own experiences that I feel better when I'm doing right by Jehovah, not that I have had moments in my life like you but you have come a long way ... don't let Satan get the better of you and make you think that all that you've done and accomplished for Jehovah is in vain BECAUSE IT'S NOT! Fight Sonia! When you don't have the energy or motivation to do anything fight against those urges and feelings, pray to Jehovah to give you the strength and PROVE SATAN A LIAR ... that you still love Jehovah and despite all that you have gone thru you continue to love him and serve him ... I pray that today as well as every day gets you a bit closer to Jehovah ...

Love you and miss you,

JDR


Posted on March 11, 2006.

Before I was diagnosed last year by a psychiatrist with Double Depression (Dystymic Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder) I had already diagnosed myself with Dysthymia and Major Depression. I had done some research on the different types of Mental Illnesses, including Borderline Personality Disorder, and though I experience some of the symptoms, which are shared by other mental disorders, I have never been diagnosed with it. I don't know if I have BPD, since I don't experience episodes of extreme anger or aggression. I might have Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder which share some of the characteristics paralleling those of Borderline Personality Disorder. But since I only spend about 30 minutes once a week with my therapist (a social worker), and about 15 minutes with a psychiatrist once a month, I don't think I will get diagnosed with BPD or C-PTSD. But at least I understand my condition better from doing my own research.


Posted by Maves:
Hi Sonia, Sounds like you've done your homework and you're right, anger/aggression is a pretty big part of BPD. I just had the experience of wondering why my bipolar meds weren't working better and then discovering that I had BPD lurking about as well. Since I've been dealing with the BPD I've felt tons better. Personality disorders are pretty common and definitely under-diagnosed so I suspect them at every turn. (I sure hope you aren't offended! ) Double depression is plenty hard to deal with without any other baggage. I've also had dysthymia to keep me company in between bouts of depression/mania and that constant, nagging low-grade depression can really eat at you. It becomes how you think you are. I think it's great that you're motivated to do extra work on your own, in addition to therapy. Not sure what kind of therapy you're doing but cognitive behavioral therapy is a good way to turn your thinking around toward the positive pretty quickly, and there's lots of workbooks out there to do on your own. There's a pretty basic one, "Feeling Good" by David Burns, that I would recommend, it's geared toward milder depression but the tools are all the same. Just some thoughts. It's really good that you are taking steps to feel better, sometimes even the slightest movement can take a weight off because you start feeling like you can do it. And you can! Good luck.


Posts made March 26, 2006.

I have those days sometimes. Today I spent all day web surfing and posting on this forum, trying to keep myself from feeling depressed. I have so many things to do but have not been able to force myself to do them. I have tons of laundry that need sorting and washing. My cat's litter box is way over due for a scooping. There's garbage I have to bag and take out. Papers to shred. Eyebrows to pluck. Phone calls to make. Appointments to schedule. Cleaning and organizing to do...And many more things... But instead of doing anything I need to do or anything I want to do, like something artistic or listening to music, or read a new Bible based publication... I end up spacing out, procrastinating and not doing anything. Today, instead of sleeping all day I sat on my butt in front of the computer trying to keep myself busy so that I don't have to think about all the things I have to do or all the things that make me worry and give me anxiety. Like all the rent I owe. The landlord trying to force me to get rid of my cat. Lawyers still calling me about the money I still owe for a student loan. The 10 grands credit card debt I have. The other bills I need money to pay every month. I'm so used to being numb and not think about my problems which prevents me from getting too anxious or stress but also stop me from trying to find a solution for them. For me to do something I really have to push push and push myself many times before I can actually do it. Suck! :sigh:

So tired...
Feeling so tired of feeling down and feeling frozen or numb.Trying not to feel lonely, ignored and abandoned. :sigh:

The Silent Abuse-Emotional Abuse
I was emotionally abused all through my growing up years, mainly by my neglectful mother and abusive brother. And after 30+ years of trying to care for others and not taking care of myself I have had enough. I'm tired and it's time for me to be selfish and try my best to take care of myself emotionally. It's time for me to start healing.


Posted on March 27, 2006.

:sulk:
I wonder how many people would show up to my funeral when I die.I wonder how many of the people that care enough to show up, really cared about me.I wonder how many people would really miss me.I wonder how many people would ever think about me again.And if someone thinks about me, I wonder what she will remember about me.I wonder how long would my mother mourn for me. I wonder if anyone would ever think about me again.I wonder how long before I am forgotten...
:sigh:


Here's one of the nice comments I got from a JTF DSF member:

I can relate to these thoughts. Please know it is one of those dark moments talking. I too hope that you are able to contact your friends soon. I know the feeling of getting down when it seems the friends/loved ones can't be reached. Just try to remember the last time you saw them after having thoughts like this (probably laughed about it later, eh?).

You are not a forgettable person, and I have only seen you on the forum! Your personality is very distinct and individual. I'm betting if I met ya in person I could not forget you if I tried. (That's a compliment!)

Hope you're feeling okay.
silentandblue

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Another week I wasted. Haven't heard from my friends. Starting to feel sad :abandoned: again. Been trying to reach my friends for days, but they are not answering their cell phone or replying to my voice mails or emails. I don't think they understand how much I need their support right now. I know they care about me and wish for me to feel better, but they don't realize how bad I feel when they don't call me and are not available when I call them. I think that my friend went to a time-shared apartment in the Poconos where they go every year for a 3 day weekend. I was privileged enough to be included in the group for 2 years, but last year and this year, when I've been the most depressed, I was not included. I feel so left out :abandoned: and sad. :sigh: If things don't get better or change soon I fear I will fall into another Major Depressive episode.

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(((K_Mamma)))
I'm so sorry for the abused you endured from your brother while growing up. Just wanted to share that I too was physically and verbally abused by my brother. He even tried to stab me with a large kitchen knife when I was 4 years old. He used to tell me that he prayed to the devil to kill me and take me to hell. He would beat me for no reason and my mother never did anything to stop him. Though he was always misbehaving he was always her precious favorite son and she babied him too much, so much he was afraid to sleep alone or in the dark, was teased by boys in the neighborhood because he was such a wimp (I used to defend him and save him from bullies). Since he was a child he hated woman so he became a homosexual. He used to abuse animals too and was always antisocial. Maybe he had some type of schizophrenia even though he was smart and artistic. He never became a drug addict or alcoholic, but couldn't have a good friend since he was never one. I took his physical abuse until I was 10 and physically strong enough, as well as mad enough, to defend myself. But he continued to be verbally and emotionally abusive until I left home and got married at 18. So I have a good idea of what you have been through and understand your depression.

Hope you are getting the therapy you need to learn to feel better and control your depression. Just remind yourself everyday that what happened to you was not your fault!
:hugs:

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I see a mental health therapist once a week, a social worker once a week and a psychiatrist once a month for my prescription. I also go to art therapy once a week. I have religious meeting 3 times a week, but I usually miss most of them or go about once a week. The only time I go out of my apartment is to go to my appointments or meetings and to go to do groceries with my parents (also once a week). I take 60mg of Prozac which I think help me get out of the major depressive episode I was in for many months, but I still have to deal with the dysthymia. I'd probably be doing better if I didn't have so many things that causes me anxiety. Also, maybe if I was in a day treatment program that emphasizes art therapy I would do better. My social worker will help me call a bunch of places to find one that has a day treatment program with art therapy in my borough, I live in Queens, NY.

I go thru many mood changes during the day, some days I feel better than others and some days I feel like I did last night, disconnected, lonely, numb, anxious. More often than not I feel emotionally dissociated which increases my feelings of depression. I have a hard time opening up to people about my problems, feeling that I don't want to bother anyone or be a burden to anyone, or not feeling worthy of anyone's attention. And all my life I had to learn to do things alone and rely mainly on myself, so I almost never ask anyone for help. That is why it took me more than 30 years to seek therapy and take medication to treat my depression. I thought I could handle it alone. But due to a lot of stressful situations in the past 2 years I reached the point where I was ready to ask for and accept help.

Friends always say that if you need them to confide in them and to call them whenever I need someone to talk to, so I finally confided in them and asked for their help. They said they would be there if and when I needed them, but whenever I call them they are not available. Like this weekend. I felt the need to talk to my friends, but all my phone calls went unanswered. If I had felt like cutting myself last night I wouldn't have been able to talk to any of them. Don't worry, I don't want to hurt myself. I spent all night online looking at other people's posts and posting in the JTF forums. I need to start relying on God more and go back to my Bible studying, I stop reading when my depression made it difficult for me to concentrate. Somehow I need to motivate myself to do things I need and want to do.

Thank you all very much for caring. Have a wonderful week. Hope everyone feels better. Take care.
Sonia